Mindgames

The terrible sense of foreboding was there. It resurfaced every time he tried to relax his mind. He knew the plague of misery was going to end.

But he couldn't bring himself to give up so easily. Life allowed a second chance. He thought himself to be deserving of the same.

However, little did he know that life was cruelly biased and allowed second chances to all but few.

Luck favoured all but few.

Sorrow however had no such qualms. It comes and sticks on, as though never to let go.

Its all in the mind he is told. But how much can you sustain, withstand...isn't the end sometimes better than a lifetime of misery?

Happiness however fleeting, manages to leave an indelible imprint at times. Remembering those times in moments of misery is all one needs to do. The sorrow tends to erode away then...

But what of the happiness? Can that never come back? Is happiness always a mere memory? Is it always ephemeral?

Is this how we learn its true worth? Is this why we yearn for it so much?

But are we living in a fool's paradise...a fallacy?

Happiness, they say is a state of mind! Hold onto it, and it stays longer.

Fleeting

Just when happiness came knocking, my world plunged into darkness once again.

The light dimmed, the ephemeral smile didn't reach my eye, disillusioned I felt.

The fleeting glimpse of Utopia, rudely snatched

In its place stood nothing but shambles

Despair and arid hope its only companion

Mournful cries wrenching the night sky

Night it seems, but day it is

Light never to touch it again

Tears dry up, red eyes stare incriminating

Resentment wells inside

Loathing and ire close

Eyes shut in patient pondering

Control flailing however

Finally, an anguished cry escapes

Purgatory in sight

Reach it I will

Conquer this I must

For now though, I seethe

In blatant misery!

Ugly

Change is good...they say

Change is healing...they say

Change is cathartic...they say

Change is...moving on...they say

I've heard this. I've lived through this change. The catharsis burnt away all that pent up hostility I had seething within. Time healed all those wounds left raw and bare for all to see.

The goodness is still coming on...its never ending (I say).

The moving on...well...thats still processing...

I'd changed then.

I've changed back.

I am myself again.

There's no looking back now.

**Yet in those dark moments of self-doubt and self-introspection, happiness seems tiny in comparison to the gaping hole in my heart. The anger which had all but escaped from me, crawls back in inch by inch, trying to bog me down.**

Ugly...

Afterthought

The flames were rising. The ashes strewn left a stench unbearable, charred corpses, bloodied and scarred beyond recognition - cries of anguish filling the air.

The enemy emerging, defeated and deflated.

Yet, the feeling of pride didn't come. The emotions of jubilation and triumph failed to surface.

Such was war.

Victory maybe yours, but the lives lost make it seem petty...futile...all in vain.

The tide

The tide came. It brought along good news.

But the deluge wasn't far behind. The good news just a mere euphemistic shamble for the bad tidings.

Darkness was to be the only survivor. Even shadows would flee soon. Nothing but despair and quiet desperation.

The light at the end of the tunnel had been long since put out. No angel had come down to reignite it.

The blasphemies of childhood and youth were now being mangled. The idiocies were now being brought to consciousness.

"All is not well," people say. But who is there to listen? Who is there to champion their cause?

Nobody. No one. Not a single soul in sight.

Humour and laughter have long since fled. The mournful sorrow, the bleak horizon stretching beyond vision, with no signs of retreat...

The plumes are rising, the earth is being swallowed, slowly but most definitely.

Life is coming to a hollow stand still.

The end is near...

Nearer still..

Its come!

Reflections

She took her time, she did. No matter how she saw it, her world had completely slipped from its axis. Nothing was in the right, right then.

All was fading...and she couldn't do anything about it.

Just as she was about to jump off the abyss, a voice called out to her.

"Where are you going my child?"

She swiveled back to find an old woman, leaning heavily on a cane. The woman's face was wrinkled, her lips were chapped, her skin all mouldy. But her eyes! Deep and sunken though they were, the moisture in them mirrored her anguish, her fear of the unknown.

The girl stood there, rooted to the spot. She willed the old woman to come to her.

But the old woman didn't budge.

Both stood, waiting and watching.

Finally, the girl took one step back, the old woman did the same.

She then took a step forward, the old woman did the same.

She took another step forward...and another...and another...

Finally, they both stood right in front of each other. The girl saw herself reflected in those dull and misty eyes.

The old woman finally spoke, "Let your sorrow go my child. Its not worth it. You have so much ahead of you. Don't let something like this sour your future. Let go of your sorrow. Let go of your anguish. Let go my child. Let go..."

CLARITY!

Mother I need thee... - the catharsis of the burning child.

Dear Mother,

It is often said that no matter what a child does, her mother always finds it in her heart to forgive her for whatever she has done. She always absolves her of any blunder she may have committed.
But what I have done cannot be trivialized as a mistake/blunder.
I have sinned Mother
I have betrayed thee.
I ask you now for your forgiveness.

As I look back at the life I have led, I shudder to think of the way I have strayed from the path you had shown me - the right path.
In my youthful arrogance I never once considered it the right path. Today, I bear the price for it.

But I will never let the shadow of my misery even touch you Mother. You are that precious to me. With you in my life, I can always look forward to happier days.
----
Do not turn your back on me Mother. My claustrophobic guilty conscience will not let me escape my past.
I need you by my side the most tonight. I want to put my head in your lap, I want you to rock me to sleep, I want to hear your beautiful musical voice sing to me Mother.

For, the chasm ahead of me is deep and wide. I see no hope for return. I see no end to this misery.
This is my imposition ... my comeuppance!

And now, as I stand here, on this precipice, I have one thing to say to thee -
Forgive me Mother. I have betrayed you.
Forgive me Mother.
I am sorry.
I love you.


----

And then she jumped........