Done?

The shame...it came first; washing away the mind's sanity.

The darkness...it came next; bringing along the insanity.

She waited in despair, no solace nor reprieve in sight.

A heartbeat away, death seemed nearer.

Mingled with pain and shame, it was a better end. Life had been unfair enough. She couldn't take in more. Nothing could have been more demeaning than being alone. Life could come to a stand-still. Her agony could end soon. Her questions, unanswered, plagued her to no end. Her aching mind overpowered her aching body. Her heart was deflated by the memory of what she had done. Pride was a fickle enemy, for befriending it would mean severing other ties.

Yet now she stood, tears streaming down her face. A thick guilt running through, racking her body, colliding with what should have been happiness...what had she just done?

*In every small alley or bi-lane of the world (no matter the country), lives a young girl who suffers from this torment. She wore her heart on her sleeve, trusted another and was abandoned in her hour of need. Her guilt will never leave her, no matter how far she pushes it; for however short a while it may have been, she was an unwed mother.

Wavering

Every once in a while life gets a breather. The optimists and wishful believers think that its going to last for long, however in the heart of hearts lies the dangered worry of its transitory nature.

Seldom does one pause to think of the shelf-life of happiness when one is peaking with the emotion.

No amount of stress or negativity gets the better of him/her when going through it.

So this is really what we have to strive towards isn't it. The immunity which we seldom use to our better judgement is left rusting and rutting when one faces gloom and depression from all around. When the said cloud descends, it is simply a matter of stepping away from its path or using an umbrella against the outburst.

Why then does it become difficult and cumbersome?

Because, this is where the mind wavers in decision and takes too long to make the ultimate choice. Thus not only forgetting to step aside but also gets the umbrella stuck half way.

The result: deluge!

Quicksand

'Twas her only shot. She knew she had to get it right this time. Yet deep within the fear of being let down, was stifling her from taking that first step (again).

For how many times she had been down that road, only to be burned, emotionally traumatized and left to perish.

Nonetheless, she took that step. She went that extra mile. She let him in.

What ensued was the most beautiful phase of her life. Every moment made more prolific and special with the person by her side. Breathing came all but naturally to her. Her inhibitions rid, her shackles broken down...she smiled a free smile. All was right. All was happy.

They spent many a precious months together. Each symbolized a new lease on life for her. For the first time, she felt open. Vulnerable she was to everybody else. But with him, she was secure. She was in a haven.

But this haven was also not meant for her it seemed. For life had different plans for her. It was all an ephemeral sense of well-being.

Happiness didn't want to befriend her. She was once again ousted, castaway for good measure.

Reasons seemed insignificant.

The stifling feeling was back again.

Only this time never to be shaken away.

The deepening quicksand was sucking her back in.

No one to pull her out this time.

Ironically though, this time she didn't want to be pulled out. She much preferred the quicksand, at least she was safe in the knowledge that there were no more heartbreaks, no more rude awakenings...and certainly no more suffering.

All was ending.

The end was, is and always will be THE END.

*too bad it's not a happy one*

The Battle...

Tarnished memory

Hazy recollections

Iridescent and gory

Are these haunted stories...

Ghosts have a ubiquitous presence in our lives.

By ghosts here I don't mean spirits or poltergeists, but the past and its general principle.

Forgetting it is something beyond our capabilities. Letting it go is like side-stepping the significant. And moving on is a battle between Khali and Hercules.

However much we want to get past this, we forget the most imperative.

The theory upon which mankind is built to function and survive...

To err is human

To forgive is divine

Mindgames

The terrible sense of foreboding was there. It resurfaced every time he tried to relax his mind. He knew the plague of misery was going to end.

But he couldn't bring himself to give up so easily. Life allowed a second chance. He thought himself to be deserving of the same.

However, little did he know that life was cruelly biased and allowed second chances to all but few.

Luck favoured all but few.

Sorrow however had no such qualms. It comes and sticks on, as though never to let go.

Its all in the mind he is told. But how much can you sustain, withstand...isn't the end sometimes better than a lifetime of misery?

Happiness however fleeting, manages to leave an indelible imprint at times. Remembering those times in moments of misery is all one needs to do. The sorrow tends to erode away then...

But what of the happiness? Can that never come back? Is happiness always a mere memory? Is it always ephemeral?

Is this how we learn its true worth? Is this why we yearn for it so much?

But are we living in a fool's paradise...a fallacy?

Happiness, they say is a state of mind! Hold onto it, and it stays longer.

Fleeting

Just when happiness came knocking, my world plunged into darkness once again.

The light dimmed, the ephemeral smile didn't reach my eye, disillusioned I felt.

The fleeting glimpse of Utopia, rudely snatched

In its place stood nothing but shambles

Despair and arid hope its only companion

Mournful cries wrenching the night sky

Night it seems, but day it is

Light never to touch it again

Tears dry up, red eyes stare incriminating

Resentment wells inside

Loathing and ire close

Eyes shut in patient pondering

Control flailing however

Finally, an anguished cry escapes

Purgatory in sight

Reach it I will

Conquer this I must

For now though, I seethe

In blatant misery!

Ugly

Change is good...they say

Change is healing...they say

Change is cathartic...they say

Change is...moving on...they say

I've heard this. I've lived through this change. The catharsis burnt away all that pent up hostility I had seething within. Time healed all those wounds left raw and bare for all to see.

The goodness is still coming on...its never ending (I say).

The moving on...well...thats still processing...

I'd changed then.

I've changed back.

I am myself again.

There's no looking back now.

**Yet in those dark moments of self-doubt and self-introspection, happiness seems tiny in comparison to the gaping hole in my heart. The anger which had all but escaped from me, crawls back in inch by inch, trying to bog me down.**

Ugly...